my heart hurts tonight so i’m listening to girlface by get back loretta on repeat forever.  if i don’t play girlface i can hear the club music from the bar across the street and i really hate anyone enjoying life right now.  earlier i started crying on the phone to my dad because he was asking me too many questions about his new iphone.  that’s what kind of night this is.  that’s what kind of mess i’m dealing with.

i think i’m pretty good at holding myself together when i feel like shit.  i don’t like to feel sorry for myself and i really don’t, not even right now.  the damage control that i execute for when my hopes get smashed to the ground has been carefully fine-tuned and tweaked.  unfortunately, when it comes to damage control for my heart there is just no reasoning.  when my heart is sad because it misses someone or lost someone or wants something, it will be sad until it can’t be sad any longer.  it takes a series of random cries, conversations in my head and lots of sad songs before it can return to functioning normally again.  i hate it.  i hate the feelings of weakness and vulnerability.  i don’t want anyone to know if they’re the reason my heart is in one of these fits because i’m afraid they’ll parade around with my heartbroken trophy waving in the air like they’ve won it all.  i just want to keep it all in, only tell a selected few, because no one can see that my heart and my guts have now morphed into one big failing organ in the pit of my stomach that constantly wants to crawl out of my body through my esophagus.  as long as i clench my pearly whites and smile it’ll all stay inside.